I began this entry in June 2015, but I am only now getting back to it because I wasn’t sure of posting it. There is something cathartic when you put your inner thoughts, feelings and emotions into written words. This post will focus on some of the many battles I’ve had within myself at certain points in my life.
As I replay all the various episodes of my life, I have to thank the Lord because he has sustained me in spite of it all. He has brought me through some of the most daunting and tumultuous experiences. Feelings of inadequacy and self loathing overcame my every thought and emotion at different points of my journey. This “reality” was and is NOT what I want(ed) to manifest. Everyone has their cross to bare, but accepting this state of being did/does not sit well with me. For me, being in a space–spiritually, emotionally, geographically and otherwise, is where true happiness resides. This place is where I pray to reach one day. My journey has begun, but essentially, my first task is figuring out how to get there. “I am the master of my fate…I am the captain of my soul,” William Earnest Henry.
Flashback…One of these episodes or “crosses I bore” were the times in which my self-image and acceptance was in question. Was love something that would manifest within my life? Was I was beautiful, lovable or capable of love? Everyone deserves love right? Like Buju said, “I wanna be loved, not for who you think I am nor what you want me to be. Could you love me for me?…REAL LOVE.” I love me some Buju, and I have to agree with him. BUT, how does one find this “REAL LOVE?” How does one know how to love or what love actually is? To attempt to answer these inner questions, I came to realize that it starts from within- self-love. Growing within oneself and learning how to accept oneself is the first criteria to becoming one’s true self and to ultimately find the love one seeks. This could also mean growing spiritually and only surrounding yourself with people and images that bring positivity and enlightenment into your spirit. Oftentimes, the manifestations we hope to be evident in our lives are delayed due to self-sabbotage, consciously and otherwise. I must keep myself accountable for the thoughts I allow to encapsulate my mind and the energy I allow to enter my spiritual domain.
As I mature into better versions of myself and embark upon varied experiences, self – loathing has turned into self – acceptance and self – love. Does anyone have the capacity to love if that said love doesn’t extend to themselves? My answer is an unequivocal NO. Everyday is a different battle, but if I continue to strive to accept myself with my faults while working to be better, I know that my light will continuously illuminate.
Thank you for taking the time to read this ever so personal blog post and I hope you all continue to strive to live your BEST life and seek your own sense of HAPPINESS!